mind? what mind?

…The body in which one can see the truth will die out, like a fan palm, without any future. But that which is the truth, that which is existence itself, is there although it is deep and infinitely hard to understand. Like the great ocean, one cannot fathom it.

- Digha Nikaya

“Truth” – with a capital ‘T’ – eludes me.  I’ve said it before: the longer I live, the less I know.  “I know about many things, but I know nothing”, and I understand even less.  Can a human mind truly grasp the enormity of the number of drops of water that there are the oceans of Earth?  Or even in a small lake?  The number is – at least to a yokel like me – beyond understanding.  How many grains of sand are there on a beach?  How many cells make up our bodies?  Astronomer’s estimates tell us that there are approximately 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) stars in our galaxy alone.  If I were to attempt to count the stars, pointing to one each second, it would take me nearly 190,258 years to count them all.  At least for me, while having an intellectual knowledge of “100 billion”, a number that large really is beyond my comprehension.  There are some “primitive” peoples still living in our world whose languages do not include the concept of numbers larger than, say, 10.  Any number larger than that is simply called “many”.

Do we need to understand how many grains of sand there are on a beach?  No, of course not.  It is not relevant to my physical survival, nor is it relevant to my mental or my spiritual health.  Granted, sitting on a beach can be very pleasurable – as long the beach is in the tropics and not the polar regions of our Earth.  Knowing how many drops of water are in each wavelet that tumbles onto the sand and then retreats back to do it again, is not necessary for the relaxation and/or peace that we can feel sitting there.

It’s amazing how many thoughts go through our heads during each day.  I forget just how many it is for a “typical” person, but the number of thoughts going through my head each day is very high.

Um… what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah; one of the things that I was thinking about this morning was that I wanted to look over the Levenger.com on-line catalog.  Like many people I much prefer to use tools that are well designed, of very good quality, and fulfill it’s designed-for task.  Such as pencils, for everyday writing—like making notes on the back of a napkin or in a Moleskine notebook, writing down a phone number or writing poetry.

I’ll be darned if I know why that thought came to mind.  If you figure it out, let me know.

Have you ever met someone that just exudes joy?  I’ve been blessed to have met two such fun-to-be-around people.  The first was Bhante Wimala (, who I had the pleasure of meeting twice.  The second came into my life only recently, and I am twice blessed.  (Yeah, I know, sounds kind of trite, don’t it?)

There are people walking the earth that are what the Christian faith calls Angels, or what those of the Buddhist faith call Bodhisattvas.  I’ve always imagined those people to be just full of joy and peace.

The second person that I have met that fits that bill, is a little girl.  She constantly is laughing, or exploring, or hugging the dogs (and trying to catch the cats to give them hugs too), or playing jokes as only a toddler can do.  (Boo! and Roar!)

Here’s an example of the effect that she has:  I dozed off for a short time a little while ago, and I had an amazing dream about this Angel or Bodhisattva. 

I was in a field, near a bodhi tree, singing and dancing with “Little Bird” as I call her, her little self wriggling and wiggling and hopping and yelling at the top of her impressively loud lungs.  There was a warmth radiating from her, and soon there were more and more people nearby, all of whom began to dance and laugh with her as they went about their business.  A joy that I have never before felt overcame us all… then I woke up.

This little girl’s name is Mackenzie Jo.  She’s my granddaughter.

Listening to: Miles Davis - Best Of Miles Davis - ‘Round Midnight

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

- H. H. the Dalai Lama

It’s funny – Just a few minutes ago I was thinking about our education system here, and how teaching compassion just does not seem to be a priority.  Compassion does not seem to be important enough in our culture to put time, effort and money into including it in curriculums.  Of course I am generalizing, and there are exceptions—such as the Montessori philosophy and method of teaching young children where compassion, peace, and respect are the foundation.

Anyway, I was thinking about this, and just now I received an email which included this (very pertinent) quotation:

Such human qualities as morality, compassion, decency, wisdom and so forth have been the foundations of all civilizations. These qualities must be cultivated and sustained through systematic moral education in a conducive social environment, so that a more humane world may emerge.

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I did make an effort to teach my own children these things as they grew up, but I’m afraid that I didn’t do all that well at it.  My hope today is that I can make a much bigger impact with my grandchildren, now that I am learning to be more compassionate myself.  It has not been easy, and although I get better at it day by day, I have to make anew each day a vow to travel the path of those before me, to be an example myself, so that I can teach the children what it means to be compassionate to all beings, including themselves.

What exactly is “compassion”?  I can’t remember where I cribbed this from, but here’s a good definition:

The definition of compassion is: wanting others to be free from suffering. So compassion is the definition of the highest scope of motivation. It is said that to generate genuine compassion, one needs to realize that oneself is suffering, that an end to suffering is possible, and that other beings similarly want to be free from suffering.

When I think of people during the past century whose lives have been examples of true compassion, the first two that come to mind are Mother Teresa and H. H. the Fourteenth Dalai Lama.  If there has ever been a true Saint, and what Christians call an angel of compassion and mercy, it is Mother Teresa; and if there is one person that can be described as the Bodhisattva of Compassion incarnate, it is His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

Mother Teresa had this to say about compassion:

To me, God and compassion are one and the same. Compassion is the joy of sharing. It’s doing small things for the love of each other-just a smile, or carrying a bucket of water, or showing some simple kindness. These are the small things that make up compassion.

Compassion means trying to share and understand the suffering of people. And I think it’s very good when people suffer. To me, that’s really like a kiss from Jesus. And a sign, also, that this person has come so close to Jesus, sharing his passion.

It is only pride and selfishness and coldness that keep us from having compassion. When we ultimately go home to God, we are going to be judged on what we were to each other, what we did for each other, and, especially, how much love we put in that. It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put in the doing ~ that’s compassion in action.

And H. H. the Dalai Lama teaches this about compassion:

“True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Because of this firm foundation, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the needs of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop genuine concern for their problem. This is genuine compassion.

For a Buddhist practitioner, the goal is to develop this genuine compassion, this genuine wish for the well-being of another, in fact for every living being throughout the universe."

My step-father, Jack L. Slasor (1922-2009) has passed away.  Jack had been suffering through the effects of Parkinson’s disease, and recently been getting frailer.  He went into the hospital, apparently with pneumonia, sometime late yesterday or early this morning, where his conditioned worsened to the point that he could not hold on.  Jack passed quietly and painlessly.

Jack was a good man.  He could be a hard man when it was necessary, and believe me, I made it necessary more than a few times, but he was a good man with much kindness and love in him.  I can honestly say that I cannot think of any other man that I have had such respect for.  His rebirth will be a wonderful, productive one.

Jack is mourned by my mother Jeanne, his love and wife for many years; his son Steve; step-daughter Crystal and me, his step-son; his sister Peggy; by his various grand and great-grand children; and by the many friends he has made and known.

Averting war is the work of politicians; establishing peace is the work of education.

        - Maria Montessori

It seems like common sense: how we teach and talk to our children from an early age affects how they relate to the world (and other people) when they get older. I believe, and I know that many of you that read this believe, that it is critical that we treat our children with empathy and compassion from the day they are conceived, and to overtly teach them empathy and compassion at the same time. And beyond that, to be an example to our children by living a life of compassion and empathy for all others. Unfortunately, not everyone does; and even many of us that do believe this to be true do not follow through and act as our beliefs tell us we ought to.

If I look at you superficially, we are different, and if I put my emphasis on that level, we grow more distant. If I look on you as my own kind, as human beings like myself, with one nose, two eyes, and so forth, then automatically that distance is gone. We are the same human flesh. I want happiness; you also want happiness. From that mutual recognition, we can build respect and real trust of each other. From that can come cooperation and harmony.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I know from direct, and at times painful experience as a parent that this is sometimes a very, very difficult way to behave and live our lives, to treat our children, and to be a living example. It is so easy to let frustration get the better of us when raising children. Frustration is just a manifestation of anger, and as we all know, anger generally gets us nowhere except to occasionally and fleetingly “get it out of our system”, and “feel better” (I find that this doesn’t really work though). Some of us have “problem” children, those that need more care and attention than others, and it is especially easy at times to blame them for being the way that they are, or for the difficulties in our lives. “If I wasn’t saddled with a child that was ill all the time, I’d be able to… “, “if you behaved better, I wouldn’t have to hit you…”, “if it weren’t for you, I’d have …”, and on, and on, and on.

Unfortunately (I’m using that word a lot), we usually take our anger out on those closest to us – our husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends and yes, our children. This teaches our children that it is OK for them to yell at others, to swear at them, even to strike them in extreme cases. Studies have proved that children from abusive families – be it physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological - often grow up to be abusers themselves. Children do not understand why it’s OK for mommy or daddy to behave that way, but not for them to do so.  In speaking of children, Maria Montessori said “The things he sees are not just remembered; they form a part of his soul.” 

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred.  In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane.

                    ~~~~

My actions are my only true belongings.
I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

        - Thich Nhat Hanh

We all often hear that “education begins at home”, and yes, this is true. Sometimes though, we hear from our school systems and educators that it isn’t their purpose to teach children how to “behave”. I believe this to be incorrect. School is the first opportunity most of our children have to test and practice what they learn at home, and is the first place that most children have where what we have taught them can be reinforced by what they learn and experience from other adults outside of their homes and families.

Don’t get me wrong – I am not saying that we should not express our feelings, or that our children should not express theirs; but that our children need to learn that how they express those feelings can have a profound effect on the others around them and how to express them in beneficial ways, or at least how to express them in ways that do not harm others.  An awareness of the consequences of each of our actions must be developed.  This awareness is a key to our children becoming healthy and happy, loved and loving.

The Montessori system – or philosophy if you’d prefer, excels at this. At the core of the Montessori way of “the whole child” teaching method is compassion. Children attending Montessori schools (most anyway) are taught compassion and empathy, not just for their peers, but for all beings, and most especially for themselves. The methods mentioned in the CNN article below are things that Maria Montessori was encouraging others to use with children more than a century ago, and remain so important today.

All our handling of the child will bear fruit, not only at the moment, but in the adult they are destined to become.

        - Maria Montessori

Here’s the clipping from CNN News that got me started with this “rant”:

(CNN) — Mothers often get blamed for the way their children turn out, and a new study gives additional weight to that accusation.

Mothers have opportunities to teach empathy every day, psychologists say.

Research from the United Kingdom shows that the way mothers talk to their children at a young age influences their social skills later in childhood.

The study, funded by the Economic and Social Research Council, found that children whose mothers often talked to them about people’s feelings, beliefs, wants and intentions developed better social understanding than children whose mothers did not.

In the first part of the study, mothers were asked to talk to their 3-year-old children about a series of pictures depicting scenes such as a child coming out of school looking happy and people waiting in line. Children whose mothers talked about the mental state of characters in the picture tended to perform better on social understanding tasks, the researchers found.

The effect persisted when the researchers revisited the families — 57 of them remained in the study until the end — on an almost yearly basis. The authors controlled for socioeconomic status and IQ of the mothers and found that these factors were not as relevant.

"You can predict even from when the children are 3 or 4 what their social understanding will be like when they’re 8 or 9," said Nicola Yuill, lead author and senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sussex in England.

This effect becomes weaker from ages 10 to 12, perhaps because as children get older, they spend less time at home, and their peers and teachers influence them more, she said.

The 12-year-olds, however, generally did as well as their mothers on social understanding tasks, indicating that children at this age can be as "socially sophisticated" as adults, the authors said.

For one test of social understanding, children 8 and older watched clips of the British television series "The Office" and were prompted to answer questions about the situations: for example, the way the main character, David Brent, embarrasses people without realizing it. Children also judged other people’s feelings from pictures and explained what they would do in hypothetical situations involving other people’s feelings.

"The communication of empathy is just about the most important thing you can do," said Nancy Weisman, a psychologist in Marietta, Georgia, who was not involved with the study. "Every single moment of the day, you have situations in which you can teach this."

Yuill and colleagues are interested in training parents to use these talking skills and seeing what effect that has. For example, they may show videotapes modeling the way mothers communicate "mental state" talk to children.

When they began the study 14 years ago, researchers focused on mothers because it was difficult to find fathers who spent as much time at home with their young children. It may be easier to find fathers to participate today, Yuill said.

Weisman recommends to her patients that they use opportunities such as television shows and movies to talk to children about what the characters may be feeling as a result of the actions on screen. If someone is yelling at the supermarket, this is another chance to talk to a child about other people’s feelings, she said.

It’s essential for both mothers and fathers to give children a vocabulary of feelings, said Dawn Huebner, a psychologist in Exeter, New Hampshire, who sees children ages 6 to 12. Children don’t always realize what their emotions are and need to have words to describe them in order to become more empathetic, she said.

Labeling other people’s feelings is also important, Huebner said.

"Let’s say a young child grabs a toy away from another young child. It’s helpful for parents to say something like, ‘That makes him sad when you take it,’ " rather than saying ‘don’t grab’ or ‘stop it,’" Huebner said.

But social understanding does not guarantee good behavior, the authors said. Children who showed the most sophisticated social skills in this study also behaved the most negatively toward their mothers in the team task of steering a model car around a race track. This suggests that social understanding isn’t everything and must be used in beneficial ways, Yuill said.

This negative behavior probably came about because if children feel that they can label their feelings, they’re more comfortable expressing a wide range of emotions, said Laurie Zelinger, a licensed psychologist in Cedarhurst, New York, who was not involved with the study.
The finding underscores the need to not only talk about feelings and mental states but to also indicate to children how to deal with those feelings, she said.

"It would be up to the parent to set some structure and some boundaries, to say, ‘No, you can’t hurt me,’ but it’s also a teachable moment," she said. "When you feel angry, you feel like banging into things, you feel like running your car over mine, but you can’t hurt me."

I hope that you will think about this when dealing with any child, not just your own.

I have difficulty with noisy environments, especially if someone is attempting to talk to me.  In a noisy restaurant, bar or party, it is extremely difficult for me to carry on a conversation; I find it nearly impossible to “filter” any one person’s voice from the background chatter, and my mind gets caught up in an auditory kaleidoscope of voices and words.  I noticed some time ago that, occasionally, if I can quiet my mind I can improve my ability to make sense of what I hear.  It can be very difficult, but sometimes, I can do it.

The Venerable Ajahn Chah⁺ teaches us:

When the ear hears, observe the mind. Does it get caught up and make a story out of the sound? Is it disturbed? You can know this, stay with it, be aware. At times you may want to escape from the sounds, but that is not the way out. You must escape through awareness.
-Ajahn Chah, “Still Forest Pool”

⁺Venerable Ajahn Chah, a Buddhist monk, teacher and master of the Thai “Forest” tradition, trained both easterners and westerners in the Dhamma (Dharma).

I was doing ham radio stuff outside on the deck this afternoon, and Kitty and Chelsea were enjoying the warm afternoon along with me.  Kitty is giving Dylan (our other cat) the evil eye.

The most beautiful girl in the world is Mackenzie Jo Strickland.  She’s my grand daughter.

Photo by M. Patronik - Copywrite 2008

Used by permission

To see more photos of Mackenzie, visit my flickr page.