mind? what mind?

Whip up the waves of non-being and wash me away!
How long will I walk up and down the shore in fear?
- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi
(Translated by Andrew Harvey from A Year of Rumi)

Non-being.  A core understanding and belief of the Buddhist philosophy (and others?),  Does that mean non-existence?  Existence without form?  I’ve read in texts that it is both, and neither.  How’s that for definitive?  At a gut level, I am not certain how I feel about not “being”.  As a life-long sufferer of severe depression and other ailments, non-being has had it’s attractiveness for certain.  But as a somewhat-practicing-follower-of-Buddhist-thought, the steps that need to be taken to “get there” will take someone like me many, many… no, uncountable eons of lifetimes to achieve this state, and that, my friends, is scary.  Which is why I, like Rumi, wonder “how long will I walk up and down the shore [of non-being] in fear”?

If you really want freedom, happiness will arise
From happiness will come rapture
When your mind is enraptured, your body is tranquil
When your body is tranquil, you will know bliss
Because you are blissful, your mind will concentrate easily
Being concentrated, you will see things as they really are
In so seeing, you will become aware that life is a miracle
Being so aware, you will lose all your attachments
As you cease grasping, so you will be freed.

- Digha Nikaya

…The body in which one can see the truth will die out, like a fan palm, without any future. But that which is the truth, that which is existence itself, is there although it is deep and infinitely hard to understand. Like the great ocean, one cannot fathom it.

- Digha Nikaya

“Truth” – with a capital ‘T’ – eludes me.  I’ve said it before: the longer I live, the less I know.  “I know about many things, but I know nothing”, and I understand even less.  Can a human mind truly grasp the enormity of the number of drops of water that there are the oceans of Earth?  Or even in a small lake?  The number is – at least to a yokel like me – beyond understanding.  How many grains of sand are there on a beach?  How many cells make up our bodies?  Astronomer’s estimates tell us that there are approximately 100,000,000,000 (100 billion) stars in our galaxy alone.  If I were to attempt to count the stars, pointing to one each second, it would take me nearly 190,258 years to count them all.  At least for me, while having an intellectual knowledge of “100 billion”, a number that large really is beyond my comprehension.  There are some “primitive” peoples still living in our world whose languages do not include the concept of numbers larger than, say, 10.  Any number larger than that is simply called “many”.

Do we need to understand how many grains of sand there are on a beach?  No, of course not.  It is not relevant to my physical survival, nor is it relevant to my mental or my spiritual health.  Granted, sitting on a beach can be very pleasurable – as long the beach is in the tropics and not the polar regions of our Earth.  Knowing how many drops of water are in each wavelet that tumbles onto the sand and then retreats back to do it again, is not necessary for the relaxation and/or peace that we can feel sitting there.

There is beauty to be found in the changing of the earth’s seasons,
and an inner grace in honoring the cycles of life.

- Jack Kornfield

It’s amazing how many thoughts go through our heads during each day.  I forget just how many it is for a “typical” person, but the number of thoughts going through my head each day is very high.

Um… what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah; one of the things that I was thinking about this morning was that I wanted to look over the Levenger.com on-line catalog.  Like many people I much prefer to use tools that are well designed, of very good quality, and fulfill it’s designed-for task.  Such as pencils, for everyday writing—like making notes on the back of a napkin or in a Moleskine notebook, writing down a phone number or writing poetry.

I’ll be darned if I know why that thought came to mind.  If you figure it out, let me know.

When you are thinking about an object, it sometimes occurs that evil, unwholesome thoughts connected with hate and delusion come into your mind. The way to get rid of them is to concentrate on another object that is wholesome and good. Just as a skilled carpenter knocks out a coarse peg with a fine one, so the evil thoughts will disappear. With their departure, the mind will become calm, unified, and concentrated once more.

- Majjhima Nikaya

Pick up a gun, and what thoughts flit through your mind?  Even just for a flicker of a moment?  Thoughts of violence, that’s what.  Violence is born of hatred; hatred is a product of delusion.  I’m as ‘guilty’ as anyone else. 

I like to think that I cannot bring myself to intentionally hurt another person, or any other being for that matter.  And yet I enjoy shooting.  I enjoy the process and the concentration, the noise and the smell of gun powder that hangs in the air.  I enjoy the pride of knowing that I am, or was, an excellent shot with a variety of firearms.

What I don’t enjoy any longer is the knowledge that a gun is a weapon.  It is not designed or made for any other purpose but to wound, to main, to kill.  Whether it’s a child’s bb-gun or a soldier’s Barrett M-82A1 .50 caliber sniper rifle, it is picked up with violence in mind.  Gleefully punching holes in a paper target, excitedly taking a bead on that big buck, or calmly sighting in for a head shot, the intent is still violence.  You don’t plant flowers with gun barrels; you don’t inoculate children with bullets dipped in a vaccine; you shoot things.

When I pick up a gun (or even look at a picture of one), it’s with a momentary feeling of excitement – excitement coming from memories from when I was a young ‘un with my first pellet gun shooting tails – and heads – off of lizards from ten meters (lizards’ tails grow back, their heads don’t); and as a young man doing stupid things, and surviving, in the military.

It doesn’t matter that I only fleetingly feel this excitement.  It always ends up turning my stomach, and the thoughts that go with it scare the bejeepers out of me every time.  I’d much rather feel the joy that I feel when picking up a happy child.

Have you ever met someone that just exudes joy?  I’ve been blessed to have met two such fun-to-be-around people.  The first was Bhante Wimala (, who I had the pleasure of meeting twice.  The second came into my life only recently, and I am twice blessed.  (Yeah, I know, sounds kind of trite, don’t it?)

There are people walking the earth that are what the Christian faith calls Angels, or what those of the Buddhist faith call Bodhisattvas.  I’ve always imagined those people to be just full of joy and peace.

The second person that I have met that fits that bill, is a little girl.  She constantly is laughing, or exploring, or hugging the dogs (and trying to catch the cats to give them hugs too), or playing jokes as only a toddler can do.  (Boo! and Roar!)

Here’s an example of the effect that she has:  I dozed off for a short time a little while ago, and I had an amazing dream about this Angel or Bodhisattva. 

I was in a field, near a bodhi tree, singing and dancing with “Little Bird” as I call her, her little self wriggling and wiggling and hopping and yelling at the top of her impressively loud lungs.  There was a warmth radiating from her, and soon there were more and more people nearby, all of whom began to dance and laugh with her as they went about their business.  A joy that I have never before felt overcame us all… then I woke up.

This little girl’s name is Mackenzie Jo.  She’s my granddaughter.

Listening to: Miles Davis - Best Of Miles Davis - ‘Round Midnight

A thought to live by:

Someone who is about to admonish another must realize within himself five qualities before doing so [that he may be able to say], thus: "In due season will I speak, not out of season. In truth I will speak, not in falsehood. Gently will I speak, not harshly. To his profit will I speak, not to his loss. With kindly intent will I speak, not in anger."

- "Vinaya Pitaka," translated by F.S. Woodward

Over the past few years, one of our son’s has often suggested that my journals ought to be published. I won’t do that, but if I did what would the title be? "Dancing the Delusionary Tango"? "Reality::Lost"? Or how ‘bout something more scholarly, like "The Rise and Fall (and Rise Again) of One Human Mind"? Or something sappy, such as "The Beaten Heart"? Oh! I know! How about something reminiscent of youthful angst, such as "Depression Really Sucks!"?

Lately I’ve found it to be very difficult to be creative and to write. In fact I have not written in my journal at all for more than five months, and the entry previous to that is from three months earlier. It’s interesting to me that the worse off I am emotionally the better and more creatively I can express myself in writing, but can barely speak. And, of course, the converse is also true: the better I feel, the better I can express myself verbally, but writing things down becomes more and more difficult. What I need to do is concentrate on increasing my creativity and improving my mental and emotional well-being Little by little, as I heal and effect changes in my brain chemistry and structure, my mental and emotional state is becoming more "normalized".

So, how am I effecting these changes in my brain? It is quite simple, and yet has been extremely difficult. Brain chemistry can (usually) be "normalized" by the effective use of an appropriate medication or combination of medications. In my case, a combination of meds has been the most effective. But what about changing the structure of the brain itself? Is that possible? I believe it to be.

Another question, posed by B. Alan Wallace* in his book "MIND IN THE BALANCE: Meditation In Science, Buddhism, and Christianity", is "Are our mental states and behavior entirely determined by such physical influences as brain activity and genes, or can we improve our sense of well-being through our own efforts…" The answer seems to be that the later is true.

The career of William James**, an American pioneer of psychology, shows examples of this. Partly as a result of his education and indoctrination during his medical studies (he graduated from Harvard Medical School in 1869) that human beings were essentially puppets (my interpretation), that our thoughts and emotions are hard-coded into us and that "free-will" is an illusion, he suffered through repeated bouts of sever depression. He later described this as a "descent into profound crisis" (I have experienced much the same)—"of spirituality, of being, of meaning, and of will." In 1870, he had a revelation that free will was no illusion after all and that he could use his will to lift himself from his depression.  This idea is one of the core tenets of modern cognitive therapy.

It used to be thought that the human brain stopped growing new neurons and connections between the brain’s various parts as the body reached maturity. Recently though, numerous studies done in various parts of the world have shown that brain "plasticity", or the brains’ ability to change, continues throughout our lives. More importantly, we are able to do this consciously - or at least purposefully, over time. This begs the question, "what is the best way to do this?" It would seem to me that the simplest way to effect these changes (the structure of the brain, if not chemically) is through meditation and "mindfulness". I say "simplest", but I won’t say "easiest" - I find it difficult to actually do, although I am working on it.

As only one example out of many that we can actually, premeditatedly, make actual, physical changes in our brains, a study at Harvard University at Massachusetts General Hospital suggests that long-term meditation may increase the thickness of the brain’s cortex, which is the outer layer of the brain. See http://nmr.mgh.harvard.edu/~lazar. So yes, it is possible to change our brains, with one possible result a change in our emotions, thought processes, mental stability, and feelings of well-being. It just takes practice.

Notes:

* B. Allan Wallace spent fourteen years as a Buddhist monk, ordained by H.H. the Dalai Lama. He then earned undergraduate degrees (summa cum laude) in physics and the philosophy of science at Amherst College, and then his doctorate in religious studies from Stanford University. Since 1990 Mr. Wallace has collaborated with multiple teams of research cognitive scientists at major universities, exploring the effects of meditation on mental and emotional balance and well-being, and have established the Santa Barbara Institute for Consciousness Studies to promote such research. He has authored or edited multiple books on the subject of the convergence of Buddhist thought and science.

** William James (January 11, 1842 – August 26, 1910) was a pioneering American psychologist and philosopher trained as a medical doctor. He wrote influential books on the young science of psychology, educational psychology, psychology of religious experience and mysticism, and the philosophy of pragmatism. He was the brother of novelist Henry James and of diarist Alice James. William James was born at the Astor House in New York City. He was the son of Henry James Sr., an independently wealthy and notoriously eccentric Swedenborgian theologian well acquainted with the literary and intellectual elites of his day. The intellectual brilliance of the James family milieu and the remarkable epistolary talents of several of its members have made them a subject of continuing interest to historians, biographers, and critics. James interacted with a wide array of writers and scholars throughout his life, including his godfather Ralph Waldo Emerson, his godson William James Sidis, as well as Bertrand Russell, Horace Greeley, William Cullen Bryant, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., Charles Peirce, Josiah Royce, George Santayana, Ernst Mach, John Dewey, Walter Lippmann, W. E. B. Du Bois, Helen Keller, Mark Twain, Horatio Alger, Jr., James George Frazer, Henri Bergson, H. G. Wells, G. K. Chesterton, Sigmund Freud, Gertrude Stein, and Carl Jung. (Taken from Wikipedia)

The real basis of Buddhism is full knowledge of the truth of reality. If one knows this truth then no teaching is necessary. If one doesn’t know, even if he listens to the teaching, he doesn’t really hear.

- Ajahn Chah, "Taste of Freedom"